I love this article, it cracks me up everytime! Enjoy! :DThe Way I See It—Let's Go to the Movies by Patrick Dunn
Here are some of the scariest phrases a guy could ever hear:
“No More Sports”
“Out of Meat”
“Craft Fair”
“Free Cat”
And the scariest of all — “Chick Flick”
Summer means summer movies, when all the best movies come out. But guys have never understood girls and movies.
Imagine this: You’re standing in front of the movie theater, one screen is showing Brain-Hungry Alien Hogs from Planet Blastoid. On the other is playing Chad: The Boy Who Finally Found Love — And Learned How to Cry.
Which one will you see?
I bet I know — and it won’t be the movie about a spaceship and angry hogs.
Guys don’t get why girls like the movies they do. Many chick flicks are filled with similar themes: romance, tears, hope, chivalry, lost love, regained love, love misplaced but found in a drawer. Guy movies include giant missile launchers, sports cars that drive through buildings, monsters without thumbs, approximately five explosions per minute — and NO pastel colors ANYWHERE.
The origin of the chick flick goes all the way back to the caveman era. Archaeologists have discovered ancient pictures carved on cave walls, which depict ancient “movie nights.” Women went to one cave and re- enacted emotionally charged melodramas, filled with dancing, singing and triumphing over adversity. Men gathered in caves and pounded each other on the head with boulders. This was considered the first action movie — and also led to the discovery of aspirin.
Girls like movies for reasons guys can’t comprehend. How many times does a great movie make a girl cry? It’s like a math equation:
Number of Tissues Used + Times Nose Blown = Quality of Movie
Here’s the guys’ version: Car Chases + Cool Stuff Exploding = See Movie Five More Times
Crying does not equal fun to a guy. The following conversation will never happen:
Justin: That movie was awesome!
Mark: Yeah, I was like a leaky faucet.
Justin: On the way home, we can listen to this Celine Dion CD.
Mark: Bring it on!
Here’s what happens inside a guy’s mind if he says yes to see the movie his girlfriend wants to see:
Brain (to guy): What?! You’re seeing Flowers in Paris?! OK then, bring your PSP, your phone, and maybe you can cram a DVD player under your shirt. Eat a bucket of popcorn and one of those giant pickles that floats in a j—. No forget that; nobody eats those. Try the nachos . . . and get me a corn dog!
So girls, keep this in mind next time a guy asks you to a movie. He won’t figure out why you pick the one you do — but he’ll bravely go. Just nudge him once if he’s eating a corn dog too loudly.
This article appeared in
Brio and Beyond magazine in July 2006. Copyright © 2006 Patrick Dunn. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.